Sunday, July 15, 2007

Grains of Sand

I only have 9 days left before I leave. 9 days. That's all. I feel like time is rushing by me at an ever increasing pace, and I'm trying desperately to hold on to some of it, and it's like sand between my fingers--impossible to hold on to. I'm so excited to do what God has asked me to do, and I can't actually believe that this is the turn my life has taken. But my last few days here are busy and bittersweet as I try to wrap things up and say goodbye.
Pastor Jason spoke a message this morning on Romans 12:1-2. There were a lot of things that struck me in his message, but I'm only going to talk about one of them right now. Towards the beginning he talked about consecrating yourself to God in the steps toward transformation. Give yourself wholly and completely to Him.
I realized that I'm not doing that.
You may say, "But Kelly, you're going on the mission field. You're giving yourself to fulltime service overseas. That sounds pretty much like you're giving your life to God." Well, true in many senses. But I realized that I'm trying to hold on to a few things. I want to keep the feeling of having "control" over my life. I want to hold on to the familiarity of my little world. And there are a few other unrelated things I'm trying to keep for myself as well. And these are the things that will keep my transition to Chile from being relatively easy.
Let's face it, we don't really have control over our life anyway. So although I feel like I'm losing control of mine, I'm really not. God has it, as He did yesterday, and as He will tomorrow. So what's the difference? Just in the way I view things, in the way they appear to me. Guess I need to brush off my personal spectacles and see things the way God does. I'm simply moving to a new country, with a new language, doing a new job. What's so scary about that? God's directing it, and I'm just making matters worse trying to hold on to my supposed control. As far as familiarity goes.... Gosh, I just need to give myself a couple months and I'll feel the same thing in Santiago. And in the interim, God will still be there. I mean, He's my true home anyway, so I should feel comfortable wherever I go, right?
So, I say all this now. And I'm going to do my best to remember this wonderful revelation. But, since I'm human, I'm sure I'll have relapses. Perhaps on Wednesday morning, July 25th, as I walk off the airplane, for instance.
That's where I am today--9 days away from take off. It will still be sad to leave people, and my days are still going to be incredibly hectic for the next 2 or 3 weeks. But that too will pass, and I'll be left with an amazing journey that God is taking me on, that I will share with anyone I can. Including you! Stay tuned! :o)

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